Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I've been fired

The kids were playing in the dirt while I was pulling weeds in the garden. Alex asked me to put the corn head attachment back on his combine for the 4th time in 5 minutes. I told him to bring it to me and I would do it as soon as I was done pulling the little patch of weeds in front of me.

Apparently that wasnt good enough, so he fired me. For 4 whole days.

me: "If I'm fired, does that mean you're making dinner tonight?"

Alex: "No since I fired you I get to pick who makes dinner and I pick Dad."

me: "So who's going to give you a bath?"

Alex: "Dad will and he'll put me to bed tonight too."

me: "do I get to do anything?"

Alex: "no, and in 4 days I'll un-fire you and then you can help me again."

me: "sweet, lets go tell Dad."

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

thanks for translating

Olivia was totally zoned out at the table after dinner.

me: "Are you ready for a bath?"

Nothing. She didn't even blink.

me: "Olivia, are you ready for a bath?"

Still nothing.

Pull her chair out and set her down on her feet.

me: "Are you ready for a bath?"


Olivia: "my toot says yes"

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

call me chompers

I saw the oral surgeon last week. They took more X-Rays then gave me the bad news. He called the two bottom wisdom teeth "severely impacted" The little piece of paper they handed me describing everything had the removal labeled as "unusual difficulty" which of course jacked the price up 150%.

The teeth have also had enough time sitting in my mouth to fully develop and the nerve that gives you feeling in your chin, lips and jaw runs right past the teeth. Its possible to hit the nerve and loose feeling for 6-18 months or maybe forever. For most people that chance is 2%, for me? high risk.

Off to the CT Scanner they conveniently have set up in their office to get an idea of where exactly the nerve is. Make another appointment and let me dwell on it for a few days.

I was back in their office yesterday to get the results and discuss my options.

My screwy mouth takes over again. The nerve is on the outside of the tooth and apparently that's bad. He doesn't have enough space to remove the teeth and the likelihood of nerve damage is even higher. Higher than high risk.

They will only take the top one out and wait and see what happens with the bottom.

Hang on, I have my sad face around here somewhere...

The truly sad part will come next Monday when they take the one tooth out. I guess my insurance wont cover getting knocked out for a single tooth. I'll get to stay awake while they surgically remove the tooth with a local anesthetic. I can hear the ripping noise already.

I bet I can talk them into a Valium before they start.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Bionic Woman

Dave decided it was time to clean out his dresser cabinet to make space for shorts. Out goes the jeans he hasn't worn for almost two years and the 20 pairs of black socks he used to wear while he was a cop. Out it went onto the floor right in front of the dresser.

"I'll get that cleaned up..." he promised.

I was pretty patient waiting for him to clean it up and find a place to stash the stuff. I was even vacuuming around it.

I finally couldn't take it and told him I was going to pack it away downstairs with the kids winter clothes.

"Huh. I was waiting to see how long it would take you to say something or just clean it up. I thought it would only take a few days but its been 2 and a half weeks. I've been making a point to walk a big circle around the pile just to see if you would say anything."


That was 3 days ago. Guess what pile is going to sit there until it rots?


Nebraska is flat. Very very flat. Stand on a soup can and see the whole state kind of flat. Omaha is amazingly hilly. Especially the older part of Omaha. There are very few streets in my area of town that are flat for more than a block or two. Lots and lots and lots of hills.

I set some ridiculous benchmark in my head based off of what I was running 20 months ago and I didn't want to see how much I sucked in comparison so I've stuck to the treadmill and the junior high track and twice on a bike path.

Today was the first day I tried running the neighborhood. 20 months ago I was running the 3 mile route at a 12 minute mile. Today I ran the 3 miles at a 10 minute mile.


I might be bionic.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Its official. I'm a bitch

Dave and I were trying to bust out a fast bike ride today. More like I was trying to go fast and Dave was trying not to run into the back of me while he got bored.

The bike trails are pretty popular so I try to be courteous and holler "left" so they know I'm passing them and say "thanks" as I go whipping past them. When someone is coming from the other direction I squeeze to the right and only fake like I'm going to throw an elbow.

I could see them from a long ways away. A gaggle of teenage thugs fucking around on their bikes not paying attention. As we got closer one by one they looked up and moved over. Except for one little fuck. He just sat there on his bike moving forward staring me down playing chicken.

I get within 20 feet from the turd and yell "MOVE!"

It was just enough to make him break his eye contact. He jerked a little bit then swerved over. Just as I passed him he dug deep and came up with a single insult. Bitch.

Come on you douche. You can come up with something better than that.

I am glad it turned out that he was a little chicken shit and I didn't have to ditch. Dave would have gotten all manly and fought for my honor. I would have spent the rest of the night showing my appreciation with food and backrubs. This way I got to skimp out and feed him leftovers and I get to fall asleep whenever I'm ready not when he's ready.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


My dentist has spent the last two years gently urging me to get my wisdom teeth removed. This last week he moved from a gentle nudge to flat out saying I needed to make the appointment. I have 3 wisdom teeth. All three are turned sideways up against the sides of my molars and one just pushed through my gums.

I nutted up and called the oral surgeon's office to schedule the evaluation appointment. The lady gave me an appointment and asked me to fill out my patient information on their super handy look how new age we are online forms.

I poked around the site for a few minutes then landed myself into a panic attack over one single word.


That one word brought back a flood of 6 years worth of orthodontics all starting with the most horrific torture device ever forced on a kid. The Frankel II Appliance. It wasn't even called a retainer. It was an "appliance".


That fucking thing filled my entire mouth and puffed my cheeks and lips out. If I was feeling particularly self conscious I could squeeze hard and just barely get my lips to close. Unfortunately I spent a lot of time trying to keep my lips closed. Anytime I had to take it out to eat I could guarantee a wave of groans, ewwwwws and yucks.

I even had my very own special glass and box of Polident effervescent denture cleaning tablets. Oh how goddamn special I was.

I had trips once a month into the Orthodontics office to get it adjusted. That bad boy had screws in it that could be adjusted to put more pressure on my mouth to keep the teeth moving.

How bizarre does that sound? They moved bone around using pressure.

When I was finally released from the Frankel, I was put through several months of prepping for braces. Little rubber rings jammed between my teeth to try to make enough space for the braces.


Can't eat anything sticky or it will pull those lil bastards right out and you have to go through the process of getting them back in again.

Last but not least was a couple of years of braces with monthly adjustments on those too. Every adjustment was 3 days of pain. Aching deep in my teeth while my mouth got used to the new tension on the wire. I also cant forget the rubber bands attached to the braces that strapped my top teeth to my bottom teeth. Open your mouth too wide and *SNAP* right on the tender insides of your cheek.

I felt a little bit of a kinship with Jaws....


I spent so much time in the orthodontist's chair I should have had one all to myself. A little bronze name plate screwed into the back of the chair to let all of the other whiny crying kids that thought they had it rough with their little retainers that they had NOTHING on me.

I spent so much time there I can tell you the precise location of every single shaving nick on the Dr's face and that his breath ALWAYS smelled like coffee.

I'm an adult, I've quit growing, but I will also have this on the back of my bottom teeth. Forever and ever amen.


Obviously I would be WAY more unhappy if I didn't get that much money dumped into my mouth. I would have serious snaggletooth and probably not feel comfortable with full on open mouth laughing. And my parents would have driven MUCH nicer cars.