we'll always have fried rice

Alex is a wonder boy.

I love watching him as he searches the crowd looking for me and Dave then gives a wink and thumbs up when he finally spots us in the sea of faces and cameras. I love watching him sing his heart out trying to keep up his hand motions to match the teacher's.

Except I dread nights like tonight. Preschool end of year program with a pot luck thrown in at the end. It means two hours of uncomfortable silence with the Egg Donor sitting across the table from me. It means I have to try to keep Alex at just the right distance. I can't give him attention or we will end up with a fight over how much time he spends here. I can't keep him at a distance either. I would break his heart and the ED would be angry at the way I treat him.

Really, I can't win.

The whole situation is pretty uncomfortable but Alex handles it like a champ. He doesn't stop calling me Mom and he doesn't treat me any differently. He still wanted me to help him fill up his plate and when he was done he ran around the table, pulled on my arm and wanted to show me the fastest way to the dessert table. Anytime I got up he got up too and wrapped one arm around my leg and walked with me.

he.makes.my.heart.burst.

I finally felt like I didn't have to make an effort to make any kind of conversation.

I had my own little private joke throughout most of the meal. She did a lot of sampling and took a little of just about everything that was laid out. Most dishes she picked at, took a little bite then shoved it to the other side of her plate.

Mine? She ate everything she took. Chicken fried rice. Its all in the ginger baby.

I didn't get any kind of chef-tastic ego trip off of it. I know I'm pretty good. What I got was to sit there and have a little sing song in my head... "You ate my fooo-oood. If you knew it was mine you wouldn't have touched it."

leaking

I had a really shitty day at work. REALLY SHITTY. Good thing I had an off thought yesterday morning to grab my running shoes huh? Quick run after work and go home in a much better mood. These smart thoughts occurred to me after I left work of course. It was tricky changing clothes in the car right next to an industrial plant while people were leaving work.

The run didn't seem as easy as it did Sunday so I'm going back and forth between calling myself names trying to spur myself on and coming up with excuses. Oh its about 20 degrees hotter... Its later in the day... Dave's not here to make me feel more competitive...

I pushed myself hard as I round the last corner to get to the end faster. I came to a dead stop at the end of the sidewalk, bend over with my hands on my knees to catch my breath, and felt a little bit of pee come out.

I stood up and tried to squeeze every single muscle to make it stop. Nope. It just kept coming.

All name calling and excuses were replaced with one thought only.

AHHHRRRRGGGHHHHHH! PLEASE DON'T SOAK MY SHOES

I wish I could say this was the first time its happened. The first time was a little over a year ago right before I was taken off of running. I was at the gym trying to get myself weaned off the treadmill and back to running outside. At the end of my run I bent over to get a drink of water from the fountain and out it came. I got to take the walk of shame from the basketball courts, through the weight lifting area, past the treadmills to the locker room.

I know I'm not the only one that experiences this problem but its pretty apparent I need to spend some time working on my kegels.

lil bits

Sad. Two weeks have past. I made this blog to get everything out of my head when I need it out but sometimes I'm afraid of facing what's in my head long enough to get it out.

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We called the child victim line to get more information on what we can do for Alex and we were told we have to wait until he has a visible mark. Which means we cant do anything. Yet. Alex will start getting baths the moment he gets home so we can see every inch of him.

There are no words to describe how it feels knowing what is happening and not able to stop it. Yet.

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Dave's surgery affected us in ways neither of us expected. He started going to bed with me and waking up with me during the few days he was forced to take it easy. Turns out he really likes it and has changed his schedule to match mine. The last time we kept the same schedule for more than a couple of days was right after we were married.

So this is what its supposed to feel like... I like it.

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This weekend we went for our first family bike ride. It felt picture perfect. Alex surprised the shit out of me and pushed us into going further than we planned on taking him. The kid went a little over 3 miles on Saturday. I'm so proud of his tired little legs. Turns out the wide bike path was just what he wanted. Flat and fast.

Olivia is in love with her bike trailer. She kicked back, propped her feet up and yelled to go faster. She should try pedaling if she wants to go faster.

The next day Alex was begging to go on another ride we we hopped on a different path where we would be shaded most of the way.

I nutted up, gave up the security of the treadmill and went head to head with Dave and the kids. I ran, they biked.

3.3 miles and I kicked their asses. :)

Oh and by the way...
Fuck you foot.
I win.

redirected frustrations

I've written and edited and edited and edited then finally deleted a couple of posts. All fluffy shit about how wonderful the garden is and how great life is but really I'm mad and scared and I cant stand how stupid and fake I sounded.

Tomorrow is the big V day. Dave is getting a vasectomy and I'm still a fence sitter. I'm not sure why I'm still debating. I think I have enough to handle right now and a baby plus all of the hormones that goes with it would push me over the edge.

Maybe I just don't like being told I'm done. I don't know.

Maybe its that I have no control over Alex's future and wanting another baby would be yet another way of trying to feel like I have control over something.

Maybe I would feel better if I had known that Olivia would be my only pregnancy.

Then I tell myself to shut the fuck up and be grateful that I have two kids and no stretch marks.

I'm also over the top worried about Alex whenever he is not at home. Alex let something slip while talking to the ED about belt spankings. When Dave questioned her about it she openly admitted she uses a belt to punish Alex and her other kid.

Her reasoning was "I'm too small, too tired, and my hands aren't heavy enough"

Her hands aren't heavy enough to hit a kid... I wonder how long it would take her say "uncle" if she was on the receiving end of the belt.

Dave tried to gently talk to Alex asking him about it and to let him know that it isn't OK to be hit with a belt and to please let us know if she does it again. His response was a generic preformed answer that sounded just like the ED. I think she's threatening him not to tell us.

It kills me that he will have to be hurt again AND have proof of it before we can do anything about it.

My frustrations are being taken out on yardwork, landscaping and running.

Good news is the house is looking awesome. Bad news is I'm having to admit I'm NOT the bionic woman and my foot can (and will) slow me down. I'm not 100% yet and mornings like this morning make it pretty evident that I need to take it down a notch.