Tuesday, May 5, 2009

redirected frustrations

I've written and edited and edited and edited then finally deleted a couple of posts. All fluffy shit about how wonderful the garden is and how great life is but really I'm mad and scared and I cant stand how stupid and fake I sounded.

Tomorrow is the big V day. Dave is getting a vasectomy and I'm still a fence sitter. I'm not sure why I'm still debating. I think I have enough to handle right now and a baby plus all of the hormones that goes with it would push me over the edge.

Maybe I just don't like being told I'm done. I don't know.

Maybe its that I have no control over Alex's future and wanting another baby would be yet another way of trying to feel like I have control over something.

Maybe I would feel better if I had known that Olivia would be my only pregnancy.

Then I tell myself to shut the fuck up and be grateful that I have two kids and no stretch marks.

I'm also over the top worried about Alex whenever he is not at home. Alex let something slip while talking to the ED about belt spankings. When Dave questioned her about it she openly admitted she uses a belt to punish Alex and her other kid.

Her reasoning was "I'm too small, too tired, and my hands aren't heavy enough"

Her hands aren't heavy enough to hit a kid... I wonder how long it would take her say "uncle" if she was on the receiving end of the belt.

Dave tried to gently talk to Alex asking him about it and to let him know that it isn't OK to be hit with a belt and to please let us know if she does it again. His response was a generic preformed answer that sounded just like the ED. I think she's threatening him not to tell us.

It kills me that he will have to be hurt again AND have proof of it before we can do anything about it.

My frustrations are being taken out on yardwork, landscaping and running.

Good news is the house is looking awesome. Bad news is I'm having to admit I'm NOT the bionic woman and my foot can (and will) slow me down. I'm not 100% yet and mornings like this morning make it pretty evident that I need to take it down a notch.

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