I hate.

I'm scheduled for another foot surgery in 10 days and I'm more scared of this one than the last one. With the last surgery I didn't really know what to expect and I was pretty sure it was going to work. Somehow the blood got cut off to one of my joints and the cartilage has started to die. Its not uncommon to see this kind of injury in ankles so treat the joint in my foot like they would an ankle. Open it up, drill holes in the cartilage to restore blood flow, shatter the joint so it heals with a stronger thicker platform for the cartilage to sit on.

Except it didn't work.

The first surgery was scheduled on our anniversary, this one is scheduled for New Year's eve. At least I'm sneaking it in at the last possible day for this year's insurance AND have the bonus of already hitting my deductible for the year.

I'm spending way too much time fretting about this. This time they will be scaling back the cartilage, drilling again and moving a tendon. The tendon thing is to keep the toe attached to the metatarsal head stiff. When I curl my toes I'll have one toe that stays straight. I know its the next logical progression but I'm scared. I'm scared of anesthesia and surgery. I'm scared of how far back they will have to cut the cartilage. I'm scared of how creepy the toe thing is going to be.

I already know how hard its going to be to move around the house and having to rely on everyone else for everything for a few weeks. I'll be stuck taking baths again needing help getting in and out feeling very geriatric. I'll hate sitting there knowing the kids want and need me to play and help them and I will be stuck in a fucking chair. Not to mention the suck side effect of my bowels totally shutting down for a few days and having a monster painful poop after overdosing on stool softeners.

I think the one thing I'm dreading the most is the fugly boot.




I have spent a grand total of 14 weeks in this thing already and I HATE THE FUCKING THING. I hate that it draws attention and I feel like I'm sausage stuffing my leg into my pants just to try to cover it up. I hate my feet not being level with each other. I hate how hard it is to give the kids a bath with it on and I hate trying to get up off the floor with it.

I hate Hate HATE HATE it.

It is one year and one month since this shit has started and it has been 9 months since they told me to stop running. It sucks to see the treadmill all folded up in the basement gathering dust and not have any idea when I'll be able to get on it again.

Enough pissing and moaning. I need to get back to playing with the kids on the floor while I still can.