Tuesday, January 13, 2009

bouncing boy

When I started on antidepressants almost a year ago I felt damaged. There was something wrong with me that I wasn't taking care of and I needed chemical help to balance out. Lots of therapy sessions later I was handling life.

When I tried to take myself off the antidepressants in October I felt broken. Life was fine yet I still couldn't exist without chemical help. Two weeks off the medication and I felt like I was thrown even lower in the hole questioning my ability to EVER live without it. Will I ever be able to live my life without having to pick apart every aspect trying to analyzing where I'm fucking up?

This week I feel like a monumental failure. This time I haven't failed myself, I've failed Alex.

Alex transitioned between the two houses handling the arguments, differences in rules, schedules, and stability like someone WAY beyond his years. I could tell it was hard on him but he seemed to be happy. He was a typical boy climbing up anything, playing ball and pretending to be super heroes. He would play with Olivia and help her when she was too short or

This amazing little boy that always bounces back is no longer bouncing back.

Lately he has become an angry little dude and I haven't been able to pinpoint what changed. He is lashing out in physical ways that scare me. The random punches to Olivia, the right hook I took in the face this week while playing, the absolute defiance to any instruction, correction or discipline has me floored. It is SO VERY unlike him. Where once he would hide his face when he got in trouble, he is now trying to stare you down and refuses to accept authority. He's actually trying to hurt my feelings. I feel like I'm talking to a pubescent teenager in a 4 year old little body.

So what the fuck changed? Am I not paying enough attention to him? Is he not getting enough one on one attention with Dave or I? Has something happened at the Egg-Donor's house that we are not aware of?

Dave and I have finally had to admit we need help. We have made an appointment for child counseling to see if Alex will tell them what he wont tell us. We meet with this lady next Wednesday and will have 4 different conversations, the three of us together, Dave and Alex, Me and Alex, then Alex alone.

Dave and I ever so briefly whispered (because it feels like a dirty secret we have to keep quiet) about fighting for full custody and it scares the crap out of me. I want him with us, but it is a guaranteed ugly fight. Shoving bamboo shoots under my fingernails would be more pleasant.

What would Alex be subjected to during a custody battle?


  1. I have no idea about the custody battle, but wanted to say that I'm glad you're getting help. I hope that the knowledge you gain will lead you in the right direction.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. After my wife left I started anexiety/depression medication. Smartest thing I ever did. They help me focus on what's important (kids, myself, job, etc) and not worry about the ex.